she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
