Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
