Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
love makes seman taste better
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize