You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
