You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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