I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
