Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
