i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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