I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
4 words: hood of his car
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
