Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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