I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
