i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
