i don't like sucking hair
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
