I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Someone signed my nipple.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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