i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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