Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
