Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize