I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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