Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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