Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
