I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My life is pants optional.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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