I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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