He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
