If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
