My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
