Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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