How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need a hoe opinion
go on
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
