She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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