Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
