I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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