So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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