I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize