Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
