your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
