Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
