Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
