its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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