Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
