I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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