You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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