well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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