I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize