I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
