I murdered the dance floor call the cops
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
