don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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