It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
