girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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