Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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