my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
