Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize