I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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