My underwear smells like fireworks.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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