Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
