if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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