Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
