i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
