fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
