My hand turned me down
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
