This is not my ceiling
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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