Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
