god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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