Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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