at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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