sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
