Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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