i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
