btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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